Keeping Peace During Difficult Conversations

By Joseph Duong (Team Member)

With strong political views on recent American politics and the ongoing stress of the pandemic, there can be tension in the household and especially when a generational and cultural gap is involved. Here is a compact psychological guide to help you converse better in difficult situations. Firstly, you must assess the situation at hand and decide what approach is appropriate. If a healthy conversation is possible, I highly recommend applying these tools and tips and in return will help you grow stronger and braver.
 
When conversations are impossible
Assess the situation, if a conversation is likely to go wrong you must be mindful of your own health and safety. These assessments must include things like your physical and mental health severity, your right for a safe space and the safety of others around you. Avoiding conversations are a way to reduce short-term stress and protect yourself and others from potential harm.

• Recognising signs and future proofing your safe space – this can include things like avoiding physical and violent fights and knowing when to disengage or calling police.
• Gear the conversation to something pleasant – talk about fun things that bring you together such as shared interest or memories. If they are elderly, ask them questions about when they were growing up.
• Doing a fun physical activity together – playing fun games or less intense sport can cultivate stronger bonds.
• Effectively changing the topic – use words such as “mmm” or “you feel strongly about this” and then changing the topic are excellent ways as it acknowledges them.
• Declaring truce – when tense conversations re-orbits it helps to make it direct but kindly that “you’d rather enjoy each other’s company and talk about something else”

 
When conversations are possible
It is good to know that avoiding conversations can reduce short-term stress however avoidance can lead to lacking the necessary skills to engage in healthy conversations in the future and in real world scenarios. By remembering to engage, you will be able to learn and develop skills as well as recognising ways to improve and carry conversations better.

• Have conversation goals – it helps that before you engage in a conversation, jot down what your goals are. Determine what you hope to achieve after the conversation, making them easy and attainable will prevent it from quickly escalating.
• Avoiding teams – make sure the conversation is just a one on one. Teams and audiences are a sure-fire way to make someone feel less supported and overwhelmed.
• Having high regards of understanding and compassion.
• Keeping it friendly - avoiding insults, sarcasm and pointing or conversations during the morning or late night. Balancing your tone and volume. Your body language should be open, leaning back not forward and arms open not crossed
• Staying curious – ask them where they got their belief. Avoid being dismissive. Try to understand that there are also other people on the same belief as them.
• Being humble - conversations aren’t games. There should be no winners or losers or who spoke last, the only thing that there should be is understanding.
• Find areas where you agree then acknowledge – Use words like “that’s a good point” or “I agree that’s an important issue” can keep tension at bay. Acknowledge and validate that they have the courage to share their thoughts. There will always be areas where you can both agree on. One example can be a discussion on gun laws where you may agree that you both advocate for the health and safety of us all.
• Use more anecdotes instead of facts – sometimes facts don’t work and can easily be dismissive. Instead try and tell emotional/interesting stories of loved ones or from personal experiences.

 
When conversations have ended
Have some faith, it is not common that first conversations are mind changing. Give yourself and them time to think and reflect.

• Figure out a coping plan – after difficult conversations you will be feeling all sorts of heated or sad emotions and its best to figure out a plan to prevent you from resorting to maladaptive behaviours.
• Figure out a plan for future conversations – know that change takes time and it doesn’t happen overnight. Figuring a plan for future conversations can make you better prepare and set out goals.
• Accept that they may not change – it’s okay if they disagreed and it’s also okay if you disagreed however make sure that you used this opportunity to have your views heard and shared. To help foster compassion it is good to understand that deep-rooted prejudice comes from fear.
• Ending the conversation peacefully – knowing when to end a conversation is important and allows you both to recharge and come to terms.

​You’d be feeling like better communicator than before and with each attempt of a difficult conversation you will be exposed to tools in which will help you in the future. It is best to engage in healthy, safe and productive conversations as a way of personal growth and can help immensely in the long run however some things are better avoided. These can include if you are at risk of your own health or the health of the people around you. One final point and from my personal experience, keep these conversations as interpersonal practice for the real outside world.
 
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References:
APA. (2019, November 15). Managing conversations when you disagree politically. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
Kennedy-Moore, E. (2020, November 14). Handling political disagreements in the family. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/growing-friendships/202011/handling-political-disagreements-in-the-family
Swanson, K. (2017, August 22). Experts agree: Don’t avoid political conversations with family members. Vox. https://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/8/22/16171270/partisanship-politics-discussion-family