Grief

By Lily Phan (Principal Counsellor | Provisional Psychologist)

"The song is ended, but the melody lingers on."
​- Irving Berlin

​What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss or anticipated loss (Corless et al., 2014). Grief is usually described as a “normal, healthy, healing and ultimately transforming response to a significant loss” (Schneider, 2000, p. 7). Grief requires us to find “ways to heal the broken strands of life and to affirm existing ones” (Schneider, 2000, p. 7). Not all losses are the same, and not all people experience grief the same way. We all understand that as humans we can grieve the loss of a spouse, a partner, a parent, or a pet. But did you know that we can also grieve the loss of a job, a skill, freedom, and a way of living?

Does grief last forever?
Although grief is a universal experience, there is considerable controversy about its 'normal' duration, expected outcome, and course (Howarth, 2011). There is no timetable for grieving, and it may last for weeks, months, or years. Most grieving adults will at some point achieve a sense of normalcy, however, others do not - some people may experience grief as an enduring reaction to loss that does not seem to go away (Howarth, 2011).
 
What can I do if I am grieving?

1. Take care of yourself. When you are experiencing grief, you may not want to eat, sleep, or exercise. However, continuing your normal routine can help bring about some normalcy to your life.
2. Do things you enjoy. The last thing you may want to do while you are grieving is to have fun. However, giving yourself time away from the pain is important.
3. Grieve at your own pace. When you lose someone or something important, it takes time to adjust to the new 'normal'. Everyone grieves at a different pace so do not feel pressured to 'stop grieving because you should be over it by now'.
4. Feel your feelings. The feelings that accompany loss can hurt, but it can hurt more if you are not able to process them. Allowing yourself the the time to grieve can help validate your feelings. If you are having a hard time processing your feelings on your own you may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend or family member.
5. Seek professional help. Many people may avoid talking about grief because it can trigger a range of intense emotions. Friends are kind but can be impatient, and romantic partners (or potential romantic partners) may find it hard to know what the ‘right’ thing to say is. The stigmas around seeking mental health help and attending therapy does not ease the feelings of helplessness associated with grief. Taking the first step to seek professional help (by seeing a psychologist or counsellor) can be the hardest, but it may also be the bravest step.

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References:
Corless, I. B., Limbo, B., Bousso, R., Wrenn, R., Head, D., Lickiss, N. & Wass, H. (2014). Languages of Grief: A model for understanding the expressions of the bereaved, Health Psychology and Behavioral Medicine, 2(1), 132-143, https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2013.879041.
Howarth, R. (2011). Concepts and Controversies in Grief and Loss. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, January 2011, 33(1), 4-10.
Schneider, J. M. (2000). The overdiagnosis of depression: Recognizing grief and its transformative potentials. Traverse City, MI: Seasons Press.