Boundaries

By Sarah O'Driscoll (Counsellor)

What is a boundary? And why are they so important?
A boundary can be defined as the limits we set with other people which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us. (Bocarova, 2020)

It is important within all relationships (interpersonal and professional)  we set boundaries, they set the basic guidelines of how we would like to be treated, they enable these interactions to be caring, mutually respectful and appropriate. (Huchison, 2020)
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When our boundaries are violated it can be incredibly upsetting, confronting, confusing, draining, and disrespectful, most of us are raised with the expectations that others will respect our boundaries when in fact this is not always the case. Boundary violation can be bullying or emotional abuse which is a psychological violation, physical violation of being touched or personal space invaded and emotional violations where personal or inappropriate questions are asked.
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So how do we set appropriate personal boundaries ? We need to ensure the boundaries are “healthy” which basically means to make sure the boundaries we put in place ensure that we are emotionally and mentally stable and align with our values and beliefs.

These “healthy” boundaries have many advantages as well:

• Good emotional health
• Good mental health
• Influence on others behaviour
• Avoidance of burnout
• Developed identity
• Developed autonomy

 
There are 4 key steps in setting boundaries:
Step 1 is to Define where the identification of the desired boundary takes place what is lacking ? what needs to be implemented or adjusted to make YOU more comfortable – remember this process is about YOU and your health do not worry about how others may receive this.
Step 2 is to Communicate this is where you need to say what YOU need, communicate the boundary it can be a simple “No” or perhaps an expression of how you may need some time to yourself or please don’t touch me there it makes me feel uncomfortable...
Step 3 is to Stay simple there is no need to over explain , this step is crucial you have the right to set boundaries and you do not need to explain yourself to others.
Step 4 is to Set consequences say why this boundary is important to you and the results if it is not respected.
It is imperative to remember that we cannot set boundaries without consequences, we must communicate why the set boundary is so important. (Selva, 2020)
 
At the end of the day setting boundaries is an incredibly important part of our lives and the interactions we have with others. When we first begin to set boundaries it can be daunting and scary and we can fear others viewing us as being selfish, there can also be elements of guilt attached, with practice like anything else this process gets easier.

In conclusion as important as it is to set boundaries for ourselves, it is equally as important to recognise and respect the boundaries others have set, after all respect and appreciation is a two way street.


References:
Bocarova, M. (2020, September 30th). 4 Ways to keep and set your personal boundaries . Retrieved from Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201608/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries
Huchison, T. (2020, September 30th). Tracy Huchinson Psychotherapy and Counselling. Retrieved from Tracy Huchinson Psychotherapy and Counselling: https://www.drtracyhutchinson.com/what-are-personal-boundaries-and-why-are-they-important/#:~:text=Personal%20Boundaries%20are%20important%20because,able%20to%20behave%20around%20them.&text=Setting%20boundaries%20can%20ensure%20that,respectful%2C%20approp
Selva, J. (2020, September 30th). Setting Healthy boundaries. Retrieved from Positive Psychology: https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/