By Sarah O'Driscoll (Counsellor) What is a boundary? And why are they so important? A boundary can be defined as the limits we set with other people which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us. (Bocarova, 2020) It is important within all relationships (interpersonal and professional) we set boundaries, they set the basic guidelines of how we would like to be treated, they enable these interactions to be caring, mutually respectful and appropriate. (Huchison, 2020) When our boundaries are violated it can be incredibly upsetting, confronting, confusing, draining, and disrespectful, most of us are raised with the expectations that others will respect our boundaries when in fact this is not always the case. Boundary violation can be bullying or emotional abuse which is a psychological violation, physical violation of being touched or personal space invaded and emotional violations where personal or inappropriate questions are asked. So how do we set appropriate personal boundaries ? We need to ensure the boundaries are “healthy” which basically means to make sure the boundaries we put in place ensure that we are emotionally and mentally stable and align with our values and beliefs. These “healthy” boundaries have many advantages as well:
There are 4 key steps in setting boundaries: Step 1 is to Define where the identification of the desired boundary takes place what is lacking ? what needs to be implemented or adjusted to make YOU more comfortable – remember this process is about YOU and your health do not worry about how others may receive this. Step 2 is to Communicate this is where you need to say what YOU need, communicate the boundary it can be a simple “No” or perhaps an expression of how you may need some time to yourself or please don’t touch me there it makes me feel uncomfortable... Step 3 is to Stay simple there is no need to over explain , this step is crucial you have the right to set boundaries and you do not need to explain yourself to others. Step 4 is to Set consequences say why this boundary is important to you and the results if it is not respected. It is imperative to remember that we cannot set boundaries without consequences, we must communicate why the set boundary is so important. (Selva, 2020) At the end of the day setting boundaries is an incredibly important part of our lives and the interactions we have with others. When we first begin to set boundaries it can be daunting and scary and we can fear others viewing us as being selfish, there can also be elements of guilt attached, with practice like anything else this process gets easier. In conclusion as important as it is to set boundaries for ourselves, it is equally as important to recognise and respect the boundaries others have set, after all respect and appreciation is a two way street. References: Bocarova, M. (2020, September 30th). 4 Ways to keep and set your personal boundaries . Retrieved from Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201608/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries Huchison, T. (2020, September 30th). Tracy Huchinson Psychotherapy and Counselling. Retrieved from Tracy Huchinson Psychotherapy and Counselling: https://www.drtracyhutchinson.com/what-are-personal-boundaries-and-why-are-they-important/#:~:text=Personal%20Boundaries%20are%20important%20because,able%20to%20behave%20around%20them.&text=Setting%20boundaries%20can%20ensure%20that,respectful%2C%20approp Selva, J. (2020, September 30th). Setting Healthy boundaries. Retrieved from Positive Psychology: https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ By Sarah O'Driscoll (Counsellor) What is rejection? Rejection can be defined as the act of refusing to accept, use or believe someone or something, it can be experienced on a large scale or in smaller ways in day to day life either way rejection can have a profound impact on an individual. (Dictionary, 2020) Rejection is something that we will all experience at some point in our lives often multiple times but a topic that we do not like to talk about for fear of judgement or embarrassment. Rejection often results in feelings of shame, sadness and grief and can be incredibly painful for some people, especially as rejection can deeply impact self-worth and confidence and initiate feelings of loneliness and isolation. Rejection often causes immense pain as the individual feels unwanted, that they are not valued and are not accepted. Ongoing or rejection that continues over an extended period of time can have significant psychological effects : trauma, depression, pain responses, PTSD, self-harming behaviours, eating disorders, anxiety, stress and in some instances it has been identified that perpetrators of abuse experienced rejection from their parents. There are a few differing forms of rejection: Familial Rejection : where the rejection occurs in the family unit and is generally abuse, neglect, abandonment or with holding love and affection this form of rejection can have an impact throughout the life of an individual. Social Rejection: this form of rejection can begin in childhood and be experienced in schools and workplaces generally in the form of alienation or bullying. Rejection in a relationship: this is where a person in the relationship is treated less than they may be referred to as an acquaintance, be refused affection or denied participation in events. Romantic rejection: this can occur when a date is refused or ignored, or romantic feelings not reciprocated. (Therapy, 2020) So how can we cope or deal with rejection? Talk therapies are beneficial they can assist in overcoming wounds that have occurred as a result of rejection from a loved one and learning to accept other types of rejection that can occur in daily life. Here are some strategies you can implement if you find yourself struggling with rejection:
References: Dictionary, C. (2020, September 11.09.2020). Definition. Retrieved from Cambridge Dictionary: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/rejection Raypole, C. (2020, September 11th). 10 tips for overcoming your fear of rejection. Retrieved from Healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-rejection#avoid-negative-self-talk Therapy, G. (2020, Septemberq 11th). Rejection. Retrieved from Good Therapy: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/rejection |
Lily Phan PsychologyLily has almost a decade of field experience working with children and parents, adolescents, adults, and families in private practice, hospital, and community settings. Lily is passionate about her work as a psychologist and believes in the value of therapy not only for reducing symptoms and improving mental health, but also for clients to learn skills and tools to create more fulfilling and meaningful lives. Archives
February 2021
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